Tips for Ending Unwelcome Conversations Using Your Prosthetic Eyes

A normal person gives you normal advice

Hear me read this post, as well as talk about the devastating accessibility problems of snow, on this week’s Deep Sy podcast episode.

We’ve all been there. You’re at a party trying to blow off steam when someone corners you and won’t shut up about their job, or their hobbies, or their children’s medical struggles. But you have prosthetic eyes, and they’re your tickets to freedom, baby! Here’s how to escape the most persistent talkers using those two godsends in your skull.

1. Give Them a Good Squelchy Poke

While the talker is droning on, reach up and grab both eyes with your pointer and thumb. Pull slightly to make a little room back there. Wait a second for some liquid to fill the space. Keep your face completely casual as you give those little guys a firm jab to make a noise like you’re squeezing out the last of two tiny ketchup bottles. About one in four talkers will gag and excuse themselves right then and there.