Tips for Ending Unwelcome Conversations Using Your Prosthetic Eyes
A normal person gives you normal advice
A content warning for those who become easily queasy. Also, hear me read this post on this week’s Deep Sy podcast episode.
We’ve all been there. You’re at a party trying to blow off steam when someone corners you and won’t shut up about their job, or their hobbies, or their children’s medical struggles. But you have prosthetic eyes, and they’re your tickets to freedom, baby! Here’s how to escape the most persistent talkers using those two godsends in your skull.
1. Give Them a Good Squelchy Poke
While the talker is droning on, reach up and grab both eyes with your pointer and thumb. Pull slightly to make a little room back there. Wait a second for some liquid to fill the space. Keep your face completely casual as you give those little guys a firm jab to make a noise like you’re squeezing out the last of two tiny ketchup bottles. About one in four talkers will gag and excuse themselves right then and there.
2. Yank Them out and Clean Them
Take two small plungers out of your pocket, stick them to the front of your eyes, and pop those suckers out. Start polishing them with a handkerchief. Act like nothing strange is happening and stare directly at the talker with your empty sockets.
3. Put Them in Your Mouth
Really rattle those guys around in there. Intermittently say “Yum” just loud enough for the talker to hear. Groan like you’re savoring them deeply. You’re in heaven right now. See if you can covertly slip a pretzel in there too so you sound like you’re crunching down hard on the glass.
4. Do a Spit Take
Wait for the talker to say something surprising, and launch those bad boys as hard as you can. Bonus points if you hit the talker’s face. A real pro can get them straight down the talker’s throat and make them choke. Conversation over! They can’t blab on about coaching underprivileged youth when you blast their esophagus with eyeballs!
5. Dive on the Floor
Yell “Oh no! My eyes!” Hurl yourself down, bowling over the talker, and frantically feel around on the ground. Cry, “You’ve made me lose my magnificent face marbles!”
6. Vow to Have the Talker’s Eyes as Vengeance
After searching in vain, stop, scowl, and slowly turn your eyeless visage back upon the talker. Make your solemn oath for all to hear. “You shall rue this day when I pluck those flesh sacks from your brain and impenetrable darkness consumes your mind for all eternity.”
Nobody makes it past the vow. They usually run home screaming. So then just go in the bathroom, stick googly eyes on a couple ping pong balls, reinsert, and get back out on the dance floor!
Hopefully somebody finds the real ones.